Comic Ronnie Shakes, who was raised Catholic, loved making fun of the holidays.
“Fruitcake. I hate fruitcake. What the hell is that stuff? I can’t find any fruit in there. Just these sticky, chewy, gummy, multi-colored things in there.
“Things you don’t see the rest of the year suddenly appear in that cake. It’s a disgusting ugly cake that cake.
“You find a hair in that cake you’ve found the best part of that cake. It is a mutant cake that cake, It sweats. Fruitcake actually perspires. There are sweat glands in there somewhere. Beads of perspiration come to the surface of that cake.
“Nothing goes with fruit cake. Except maybe botulism.
“I don’t like the holidays either – you know Christmas, New Years, Chanukah. I hate them, loathe them, I detest them, I abhor them, I disdain them. My greatest wish is to die in December and ruin the holidays for my entire family.
“Season’s Greetings. I’m dead. You have a good time the pressure is off me.
“Should we open Ronnie’s presents? He’s dead.
“Grandma liked fruitcake. She’s getting up there, she’s 86 years old. She recently had a pacemaker installed. We went ahead and put a dimmer switch on it. She starts ranting and raving; we just turn it down. On the other hand, you want to paint the house, you crank it all the way up.”
Regarding Gift Giving, Circling the News remembers comic Rita Rudner’s joke:
As a child someone gave me a gift I didn’t want and I told them they could give me cash, instead.
They told me that giving cash was tacky.
I said, “It’s tacky if you only give a little.”
As far as New Year’s Eve, Bill Maher said it best:
I went to a New Year’s Eve party. It wasn’t very good. It got over around 11.