Blackmail Via the Internet

Senior photo tip one: Taking a photo with a cute dog, will help redirect peoples’ eyes away from neck and face wrinkles to the canine.

Look for Compromising Videos of Me

My son’s birthday is coming up and he’s been riding a bike seven miles to work. He’s had issues with it, so when my American Legion Auxiliary email Member Perks popped up in my in-box on October 2 promising great bargains, I noticed one was a bike. I tried to gain access to Diamondback, which promised 40-percent off the list price of bikes. The site requested an email and a password, which I gave in order to look at the bikes.

Shortly afterwards, I received a blackmail letter (below). I’m printing it in its entirety, with the hopes that someone in Pacific Palisades knows how to hack bitcoin wallets and can retrieve any money this scam artist may have received from other people.

“Hi, dear user of

“We have installed one RAT software into you device.

“For this moment your email account is hacked (see on <from address>, I messaged you from your account).

“I have downloaded all confidential information from your system and I got some more evidence.

“The most interesting moment that I have discovered are videos records where you masturbating.

“I posted my virus on porn site, and then you installed it on your operation system.

“When you clicked the button Play on porn video, at that moment my trojan was downloaded to your device.

“After installation, your front camera shoots video every time you masturbate, in addition, the software is synchronized with the video you choose.

“For the moment, the software has collected all your contact information from social networks and email addresses.

“If you need to erase all of your collected data, send me $800 in BTC (crypto currency).

“This is my Bitcoin wallet: 1PuYAe7BLxNE6F6zE2PeVthfXCeYH88PmQ

“You have 48 hours after reading this letter.

“After your transaction I will erase all your data.

“Otherwise, I will send video with your pranks to all your colleagues and friends!!!

“And henceforth be more careful!

“Please visit only secure sites! Bye!”

(Editor’s note: I have never had videos made of me in compromising positions or even doing the dishes. But if you happen to see someone in a porn video that looks like me, I apologize in advance for the old-lady skin and the possible need to blind yourself.)

Senior photo tip two: wear a bison beard to cover neck wrinkles.

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2 Responses to Blackmail Via the Internet

  1. Peter J. Zomber says:

    You should contact the FBI.

  2. Marge gold says:

    I need a good laugh every day. You just gave me one!

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